Visiting her

Okay God Satan Karma Budha please help me. My mind is stuck on low gear. I am inhibited. Terribly inhibited. I am worried about what I will say because I like her. I like her and I see that she's so fucking amazing, I have no idea if I am … good enough for her ?????????????????? Oh my god. I can't believe I typed that. It is true, though. I don't know what the fuck is happening but I have the feeling that things are not as rosy as they might have been, and it is because I am in a lazy slacker mode. Why cannot I get excited about ANYTHING? Am I destined to live the rest of my life a tired bored lout? For fucks sakes, I just want us to be together because she is SO FUCKING UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL AND .. Okay what good does this do? Not a whole lot. She's beautiful, nothing's going to happen? Fuck! This is terrible. I really want her. I really really really really really want her. I don't know what to do.

Okay, so I have figured a littld ditty out. First of all, I was sent into a mindless trance, similar to that which I was in while at XXXXXX's house on my 2nd visit to XXXXXX. Just kind of staring at her, in wonder, liking her, but having no gumption or anything to do anything. Ridiculous.

It is like I have something shoved up my ass. I'm inhibited!

Okay okay I came in with unrealistic expectations; I allowed myself to imagine too far. Or did I? Really, what I did, was think that we would pick up from where we left off in ottawa. Instead, it has been like a series of meaningless MSN conversations.

Perhaps it is the fucking situations we've been in? Which are going to be the same fucking situations we're in on Saturday? I came in at a fucking busy time of her life. The most I can hope for is to just stay friends. In fact that should be my goal this time around… just be a friend! Be fucking friendly, generous, normal. Talkative. Supportive. With no other intentions on the mind. I was looking forward to falling in love; unfortunately, falling in love is not something one can or should be able to predict. Thinking about it beforehand just fucked everything over. I am more likely to turn bisexual.

Letter not sent

Dear XXXXXX,

In my personal book of wisdom (it exists in a digital dimension) I keep a short list of people, and beside each name is the reason why that person's name made it to the page. Beside yours, I wrote "laser-guided nuggets of befuddlement-piercing advice." At the last conference, you told us all not to think that we're going to die right away, because it won't happen. It seemed to me to be an very unusual thing to say at such an occasion, and it hit me hard, because for months that is precisely what I had been thinking: I am going to die.

And so I stopped thinking I was going to die, and shortly thereafter I met the XXXXXX. Shortly after that, I got a job with XXXXXX and will XXXXXX.

These experiences are much more enjoyable now that I do not anticipate a certain and oversoon death.

Best regards,

X_Hapless Pencilholder_X

PS: You associate with good people. A former colleague who you might remember, XXXXXX, also made the list for "permeating warmth, thick enough to mobilize anything"

Disturbed dream

I can't believe just how cold, unbelievably cold and hard, she was… eyes of fucking atom-material, unbreakable. If they would break, appropriately, it would be nuclear power unleashed. To the point where, as in world politics, they serve as powerful deterrence… not against acts, but against her finding out. It is a rigid unbreakable wall between her conscious mind and the reality that is my life.

You know what I hate? The WHISPER.

The whisper is the most presumptuous form of communication used in our family. It means death. It is only used for the most grave and substantial forms of communication. It communicates shame. As in - I say this quietly because it would be unGodly to say it aloud, or, alternately, because it is about someone else and this secret, if known, would be terrible. Funny, it is necessary to whisper about Christianity sometimes, because the person nearby is the OTHER. That is, perhaps, the best definition. Whispering signifies that that person is the OTHER, a person who can't be let in on our reality.

I HATE THE WHISPER. It is the reason for shame.

What bothers me, I think, unconsciously, is that she's telling me that he is a bad person. Well fuck, he is not a bad person.

---

I had a dream. I was in a community center. We were in the water and there was a christian leader/pastor praying - no, exorcising demons out of people. He prayed over me and I was paralyzed in the water. Afterwards, I realized-someone had stolen my laptop while I was underwater. I felt awful, pit-of-the-gut, until I woke up intensely relieved that it was still in my possession. I was very pissed off at that pastor, at religion, at God, even when thinking that a very real God had paralyzed my neck underwater, for fucking with my life.

Ego bad

Me describing the 'girl in XXXXXX'--

"She's a quality girl though, like really quality, more quality than me even."

And then he reacted, one comment - 'it must be difficult to live assuming everyone is below you'

And then I think, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat did I say! What do I think! I analyze and judge people so quickly! I am better than 95% of the people I meet. I believe that, and that makes me…

In a difficult situation not because it matters but because I don't know what to do.

If I was christian, I could say no, everyone is the same. But everyone isn't the same. I can't use the god's gifts argument. What is the nature of people, and degrees of difference between different people?

I absolutely have to continue relying on myself to do whatever I can. How do I also rely on other people……………….. And how do I treat other people who are 'inferior' well?