Visiting her

Okay God Satan Karma Budha please help me. My mind is stuck on low gear. I am inhibited. Terribly inhibited. I am worried about what I will say because I like her. I like her and I see that she's so fucking amazing, I have no idea if I am … good enough for her ?????????????????? Oh my god. I can't believe I typed that. It is true, though. I don't know what the fuck is happening but I have the feeling that things are not as rosy as they might have been, and it is because I am in a lazy slacker mode. Why cannot I get excited about ANYTHING? Am I destined to live the rest of my life a tired bored lout? For fucks sakes, I just want us to be together because she is SO FUCKING UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL AND .. Okay what good does this do? Not a whole lot. She's beautiful, nothing's going to happen? Fuck! This is terrible. I really want her. I really really really really really want her. I don't know what to do.

Okay, so I have figured a littld ditty out. First of all, I was sent into a mindless trance, similar to that which I was in while at XXXXXX's house on my 2nd visit to XXXXXX. Just kind of staring at her, in wonder, liking her, but having no gumption or anything to do anything. Ridiculous.

It is like I have something shoved up my ass. I'm inhibited!

Okay okay I came in with unrealistic expectations; I allowed myself to imagine too far. Or did I? Really, what I did, was think that we would pick up from where we left off in ottawa. Instead, it has been like a series of meaningless MSN conversations.

Perhaps it is the fucking situations we've been in? Which are going to be the same fucking situations we're in on Saturday? I came in at a fucking busy time of her life. The most I can hope for is to just stay friends. In fact that should be my goal this time around… just be a friend! Be fucking friendly, generous, normal. Talkative. Supportive. With no other intentions on the mind. I was looking forward to falling in love; unfortunately, falling in love is not something one can or should be able to predict. Thinking about it beforehand just fucked everything over. I am more likely to turn bisexual.