Lack of ability

I am frustrated by her lack of ability to accept life. To think rationally.

I *hate* emotion. I hate it because it is not something I can cut to pieces. It does not accept reality. It is the reason why I got myself where I am.

I can accept my own actions with nothing more than a blink of the eye. I am angry at others for not being so accepting. I cannot accept the fact that they will fret and worry and cry and be angry and bitter for the rest of their lives. They do not see with iron eyes that instantly accept what comes before them.

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It will be some time before I am able to comprehend telling them. Or even consider it. It will provoke so many useless emotions! Fuck.

>>>>>>added much later, in early february:

See? I've tried as hard as possible to MAKE MYSELF COLD IRON STEEL to be able to deal with the risk. Now, I am trying to make myself the loving-and-lovable teddy bear I once was. Remember that. Whether I acknowledge it or not, I AM LIVING WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT IN ONE MONTH I AM GOING TO GET TESTED FOR HIV AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RESULT WILL BE. IT IS IN MY HEAD, AND BY FREUD'S ASS IT'S SUPPORTING IF NOT OUTRIGHT CONSTITUTING MY VERBAL AND MENTAL CONSTIPATION. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY THINK IN AN OPEN WAY WHEN I HAVE A SHIP LARGER THAN SEVERAL TITANICS HOVERING PRECARIOUSLY OVER MY HEAD? I'M IN CONSTANT WORRY AND DREAD ABOUT IMMINENT SHAME AND DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot be completely open with anyone, unless they know this about me. And there are people who cannot know this about me.

For the lord jesus church christ's sake, I hope it's negative.

Funny, to think I was wondering where my inhibitions were coming from! It's so plain to see.

If I live...

If I live,

This is my struggle: for substance.

I will struggle for substance until I breathe my last.

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Develop and maintain a rhythm to life.

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Practice,

As a daily unavoidable exercise,

Is good.

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Enough of the brash silly bullshit that has marked my past. It is time for substance. Charisma will handle itself, the goal is set on substance.

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Why Latin? I excel at English, why not improve? Work on my strength. Compose Latin… (though I hesitate to say that, now, so far away from the goal!)

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Stop the rubbish-studies of Political Economy…

>they are the surface clutter of the world.

If I am, in fact, healthy

I will live in XXXXXX and I will learn to cook with a beautiful girl.

I will find a beautiful girl.

In business, I will do absolutely everything in my power to wrap my head around what it means to be in control, what it means to start a large enterprise, what it means to lead, and I will do absolutely everything possible for power. I am not thinking in terms of personal wealth; I am thinking in terms of significantly powerful wealth, influential wealth, influence. This is not a laughing matter and it is not something I will ever do half-heartedly. Money is serious. The rest of life I can pass by with cheer and good-natured enjoyment, but influence for my own sake is something I think I'd like to look at achieving (hah as if I can put it so lightly).

The President of the United States knows that he cannot do whatever he wants, as I will never do whatever I want, I will always have obligations…

How do you create money? You create an obligation…

How do you create influence? You create an obligation…

Obligations are very powerful. Look for opportunities to DO FAVORS for people… do favors for everyone and anyone you possibly can.

Humiliated Scared-Shitless Research

Our results suggest that the association between the number of unprotected sexual contacts and the probability of infection is weak and highly inconsistent with constant per-contact infectivity. Probable explanations for these findings include large variability in infectivity between couples and within individuals over time

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Pharyngitis caused by HIV: Examination of the oral cavity and pharynx reveals tonsillar hypertrophy without exudate. Cervical, occipital, or axillary lymphadenopathy is a frequent manifestation; hepatosplenomegaly is less common. Oral aphthous ulcerations have been reported in several cases. A rash that may be maculopapular, roseolalike, or urticarial develops in 40-80% of patients. Pasted from <http://www.emedicine.com/med/topic1812.htm>

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http://www.aidsmap.com/en/news/A5F87277-5E00-4AED-BC66-80E0F0D8813B.asp

*50% chance of living to age 60 based on a 20-year old!!!

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With a mathematical model including data on conscript's age at first sexual contact, frequency of sex with female prostitutes, and province of origin; as well as province-specific HIV-1 seroprevalence of prostitutes, we estimated the probability of HIV-1 transmission per sexual contact to be 0.031 (95% confidence limits [CL] 0.025-0.040). Allowing for random error in the self-reported frequency of contacts, the estimate was 0.056 (95% CL 0.041-0.075). The transmission probability was significantly greater among men with a history of sexually-transmitted diseases.

Circumcision was very uncommon among these men who were 98% Buddhist.

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Among couples not using condoms regularly, the risk of HIV transmission varies widely.

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Among the 121 couples who used condoms inconsistently, the rate of seroconversion was 4.8 per 100 person-years (95 percent confidence interval, 2.5 to 8.4). In other words, a 5% chance of getting HIV sleeping with your partner for one year using condoms inconsistently.

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The incidence was 16.7 per 100 person-years among 137 uncircumcised male partners, whereas there were no seroconversions among the 50 circumcised male partners (P<0.001). style="font-weight: bold;">A 17% chance of getting HIV sleeping with your partner for one year without using condoms.

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The rate of male-to-female transmission was not significantly different from the rate of female-to-male transmission (12.0 per 100 person-years vs. 11.6 per 100 person-years).

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Overall, 68 (19%) of the 360 female partners of HIV-infected men (95% confidence interval (CI) 15.0-23.3%) and two (2.4%) of the 82 male partners of HIV- infected women (95% CI 0.3-8.5%) were infected. History of sexually transmitted diseases was most strongly associated with transmission. Male-to-female transmission was approximately eight-times more efficient than female-to-male transmission and male-to-female per contact infectivity was estimated to be 0.0009 (95% CI 0.0005-0.001).

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the incidence in sexually active couples who infrequently used or did not use condoms was 6.8 per 100 person-years. A 7% chance of getting HIV sleeping with your partner for one year using condoms inconsistently.

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