Lack of ability

I am frustrated by her lack of ability to accept life. To think rationally.

I *hate* emotion. I hate it because it is not something I can cut to pieces. It does not accept reality. It is the reason why I got myself where I am.

I can accept my own actions with nothing more than a blink of the eye. I am angry at others for not being so accepting. I cannot accept the fact that they will fret and worry and cry and be angry and bitter for the rest of their lives. They do not see with iron eyes that instantly accept what comes before them.

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It will be some time before I am able to comprehend telling them. Or even consider it. It will provoke so many useless emotions! Fuck.

>>>>>>added much later, in early february:

See? I've tried as hard as possible to MAKE MYSELF COLD IRON STEEL to be able to deal with the risk. Now, I am trying to make myself the loving-and-lovable teddy bear I once was. Remember that. Whether I acknowledge it or not, I AM LIVING WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT IN ONE MONTH I AM GOING TO GET TESTED FOR HIV AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RESULT WILL BE. IT IS IN MY HEAD, AND BY FREUD'S ASS IT'S SUPPORTING IF NOT OUTRIGHT CONSTITUTING MY VERBAL AND MENTAL CONSTIPATION. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY THINK IN AN OPEN WAY WHEN I HAVE A SHIP LARGER THAN SEVERAL TITANICS HOVERING PRECARIOUSLY OVER MY HEAD? I'M IN CONSTANT WORRY AND DREAD ABOUT IMMINENT SHAME AND DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot be completely open with anyone, unless they know this about me. And there are people who cannot know this about me.

For the lord jesus church christ's sake, I hope it's negative.

Funny, to think I was wondering where my inhibitions were coming from! It's so plain to see.