Dinner. And, forgotten in a dorm room.

Tonight was a form-fitting example of meeting a new person and getting along well, having a FUCKING FANTASTIC conversation in the process.

I was fully able to explain to XXXXXX my thoughts on income distribution and trade, my essay, my ideas of XXXXXX(and religion and social fabric and my own place), my issues with trust (XXXXXX) and failure (XXXXXX) and mom (avoiding questions that really ASK). It was a good two to three hours of just TALK! Like I was completely sent back to those times when I am socially 'fluid'!!!!!!!!!!! I love this. This is what life is for; this is what I am for.

He responded with extreme openness to my own openness. He told me that he knows a lot of people, through his work etc., but does not think he has ever had a real friend, because he has not taken the time to develop a friendship with someone. He has had really difficult and tense times with his parents, so he has thrown himself into volunteering, helping others, to avoid this situation at home. He manages a theatre (live theatre), the money etc. and was involved in some student politics, representing all XXXXXX students in XXXXXX - 150,000 people. This taught him an important lesson… that he cannot be liked by everyone. Earlier he had a utopian idea that he could be liked by everyone… and then in some tense negotiations (he was the negotiator) he had threats by phone calls etc. quite traumatic and difficult, but good for the things he learned in the process.

He is kind of… well he is thin, and not fragile but thin like XXXXXX. I wouldn't have expected that he had been in charge of 8 staff in his student representative position, or that he was a manager at the theatre. He's really a cool person, he is very smart and is able to mobilize himself.

We talked for a long while about happiness; he told me that he really couldn't say that he is happy right now. This led to talk of his parents, of volunteering etc. that I mentioned later. He said that he always has new years goals, and he gets excited about them for a good week etc. but they don't last. It was a little… wonderful, to be talking so freely with someone. It was someone I hardly know, but have good vibes with. Sharing my own self with him really freed up the space around us and led to us sitting over our meals (I had AMAZING duck) until 10.20… we had been there at least two and a half hours, I would say. He ate really, REALLY slow! It was so perfect. If I had not been so ridiculously hungry I probably could have kept pace!!!

These past couple of days have been a real emotional rollercoaster. As I explained it to XXXXXX, I think that's partially due to my past seclusion from people in XXXXXX. I'm suddenly in all kinds of social situations that I'm not used to, and I don't know what to do with myself. I think good evidence of that could be how fast I opened up to him -- how fast I would open up to anyone who could really listen (and he was a good listener and seemed appreciative of everything I was sharing). Anyway- so I am going from place to place, never quite knowing where I stand with the people I interact with. It's complicated in that way because - I am just not in my social groove! I am in my own little world and it takes time and the patience of others for me to climb out of it.

This really shows how important it is for me to have someone I can talk to openly. XXXXXX makes me depressed and isolationist when I confide in him; he cuts off my meanderings with presumptive remarks, as though he understands everything. But HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING! Having someone sit there and listen, and add CONSTRUCTIVE remarks of his own -- that was what it was like eating supper with XXXXXX. It was what friends should BE.

I cannot be with XXXXXX, I think. I think it is bad for my life. I need someone positive to be with! Did you hear that? POSITIVE! XXXXXX, while 'unhappy,' at least GAVE OFF GOOD VIBES.

Do you think she realized how utterly ridiculous this evening was? She transformed 'leaving me alone in her room for Saturday night' into me 'having her room all to myself.' I took this transformation one step further, emphasizing how it was in 'downtown XXXXXX.'

Does she have any idea just how far this is from what she promised on MSN? Checking out XXXXXX night life? You call this NIGHT LIFE?

In their presence, I became especially excited at the prospect of doing my homework the next day. How wonderful it was to have an opportunity to catch up on my essays!

She deserves a long, balanced letter describing what I have learned on this time in XXXXXX, and how I felt about "our time together." I cannot help but think of my time with XXXXXX: here I am, having flown all the fucking way to XXXXXX, to be left by myself in her fucking dorm room to sleep on her bed in my sleeping bag. After giving her that fucking necklace, which she promised to pay for before re-negging and accepting my previously offered gift.

This is honestly retarded.

Okay, I am sorry, I know she was busy, but she could have said as much beforehand! She could have told me that she was going to be busy on Saturday night! Do you think I would have come back to XXXXXX if I had known? No! I could even pull a quote from an MSN conversation to make my point..

No, I would have stayed with XXXXXX in XXXXXX and caught a ride back to XXXXXX with XXXXXX.

I am sorry but I may have to say some of this to her tomorrow afternoon.

I explained to XXXXXX about how I am in a state of flux, in the sense of having rejected christianity and lost trust and faced failure, and that I am in a state of wanting something -- wanting that glint in the eye, wanting that social fabric -- but I do not have it, and as a result of this flux I am very open. Open in the sense of -- undecided about myself, and about life. And so in a sense I leave myself a little vulnerable at times, in new situations, and wait to guage the people around me before opening up.

Quebecois culture seems to have something to offer there. I haven't explained to you just how utterly devoted to God I was -- and how much the world breaks down when you give up the things you hold closest to your heart. Christianity was more than a strong ideology for me, it also provided the social glue of life. It supplied the flesh and blood to cover my bones; all of the soft areas of life -- it was an institution that fed my brain with information and more importantly PEOPLE. And so I've given that up to be a walking skeleton… where's the glint in my eye? Where's the reason to give? What reasons can I find to be a positive something?